Thursday, July 15, 2010

Bella Interview

Initially when you first woke up after the accident, you didn’t have much recollection of the fire. Are you haunted by any of the memories you do have?

For a while I had nightmares of walking through smoke filled hallways and not being able to breathe, but that’s about as far as it went. Sometimes I swore I could still smell it after I woke up, and I’d go traipsing through the house looking for the nonexistent source. Once I woke up my parents...they were none too thrilled at my 2am wake up shake-a-thon. Overall though, I don’t remember enough of it to really be haunted by it. At least, not any more than Edward’s voice had before I realized that wasn’t just something my subconscious conjured up out of nowhere.

How much time do you have left on leave, and what will happen once it’s over?

I’ve got just about four weeks left until I return to work. I guess once it’s over, we’ll take it one day at a time. Edward will be out of the hospital by then so I’ll probably be splitting my time between work and doing what I can for him around his long as he wants me to anyway. I really have no idea, I’m kind of just winging it as I go until he tells me to bugger off.

Some of the readers are under the impression that you’re insecure. Do you feel you are?, I don’t really think I am. I mean, I have insecurities about some things, but not about myself as a whole. I genuinely like who I am, faults and all.

If that’s the case, then where were your thoughts when you stated that you’d be the LAST person Edward would ever want to date?

That wasn’t meant to be self deprecating by any means. It’s not like I just saw him walking on the street and said he’s too good for me or anything. I just...the man is in a wheelchair. Why would he, or anyone else, want to date the person that put them there, intentionally or not? It’s like a constant reminder of I’m in pain and can’t walk because you couldn’t get out of the building before passing out. Who wants that? My thoughts when I’d said that were hovering somewhere in the realm of realistic expectations, not self flagellation.

Do your interactions and altercations with Rosalie worsen the guilt that you feel?

Ha, no. How can anything she does or says make me feel more guilt than I already do? All I have to do is look at him when he’s struggling to find a comfortable position to lay in, or see the look in his eyes when mind wanders off into the unknown of what his future holds, and I’m heartbroken for what I’ve done to his life.

I don’t feel guilty because I did something to purposely cause the fire, or even accidentally...I had no fault in the fire itself, but I can’t stop questioning myself if I could have done something that night to change the outcome. If I had just stayed at the club with Tanya and Irina, or if I hadn’t had that fourth cocktail that sent me trudging home early and made me sleep harder than I usually do, or if I hadn’t fallen back asleep after I got startled awake by the explosion that I swore I’d dreamt up. Maybe if any of those things had happened, he wouldn’t have been hurt and the worst that would have happened was I, and the rest of the tenants of our building, would have lost everything we owned.

If anything, Rosalie’s behavior towards me makes me feel better for at least being a decent person to care enough to try to help him in any way I can. I don’t know...I think if I were in his shoes, I’d like to know that the person I risked everything for didn’t just not care about what happened to me because of it. I might be wrong, but to me, I think it would help to know that they were there for me as much as I’d been for them when they needed me.

As this story evolves, it becomes more and more apparent that Alec has stolen the hearts of many of the readers. Has he stolen a part of yours as well?

Oh my gosh, Yes! I love him. He’s such a good friend. I really don’t know what I’d ever do without him. I mean, I could talk to my friends until I’m blue in the face about Edward and his family and how I just don’t get them sometimes, but they just don’t understand. Alec is my go-to guy. He lets me vent to my heart’s content and, unlike my friends who don’t know Edward or the Cullens really, he gives me insight that helps me understand their family dynamics a little bit better. He’s awesome. If I had a single girlfriend, who was straight obviously, I’d totally hook her up because he’s a definite keeper.

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